‘Nothing in life is more necessary than friendship.’ – Aristotle

Everyone needs friends, right? But what kind of friend, and how many?

Over the past two years, life events have caused changes in my friendship circle, so naturally, being chronic contemplator* that I am, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the subject. 

Apparently, my buddy Aristotle did too. In his book Nicomachean Ethics, he identified the three types of friendship a person needs to have a good life. I’ve rewritten them here with my own terms:

1. Friends of Convenience. These are your casual co-workers, the neighbor up the street, the writers’ group member you sometimes see at meetings. People you like, and with whom you share good conversation, but whose friendship isn’t deep enough to impact your life should it end.
   
2. Social Friends. Aristotle called these kinds of friendships Pleasure-Based friendships. Social friends are people whose company you enjoy. You love meeting them for coffee or lunch because being with them is fun. Or they are the old friends who you see once a year for a laugh filled afternoon.
   
    Social friends keep loneliness at bay. They’re vital to your life and well-being and, should they move or stop being your friend, will leave a hole in your life.  But they aren’t necessarily the first person you’d turn to in times of crisis.  That role goes to…
   
3. Ride-or-Die Friends. We all need someone we can call in times of crisis. Someone who will lend an ear or talk you off the mental ledge. A Ride-or-Die Friend is someone with whom you can disagree or speak your mind without fearing you’ll lose their friendship. Sometimes this role is filled by a partner or sibling, but not always.
   
   These kinds of relationships involve a deep emotional bond which isn’t easy to create. For that reason, the role is usually filled by a partner or a sibling, but not always. 

Obviously, these are not fixed categories. A social friendship can expand to become a lifeline. Likewise, a Ride-or-Die friendship can contract into one of social interaction. There are seasons to everything including friendship. The key to happiness is maintain a healthy balance of all three. 

Unfortunately, we aren’t. Research suggests that we are increasingly foregoing the middle category. A recent article by Derek Thompson in The Atlantic noted that “men who watch television now spend seven hours in front of the TV for every hour they spend hanging out with somebody outside their home” and that “the typical female pet owner spends more time actively engaged with her pet than she spends in face-to-face contact with friends of her own species.” 

Part of this is due to technology. On one hand, video conferencing and messaging has made it easier to maintain far-flung friendships. On the other hand, it’s also made it easier to avoid in-person interaction. I get it. I mean why leave your house on a cold day or burn two hours of writing time when you can just as easily text while hanging with your pet?

My cats’ pleasure aside, this anti-social behavior is hurting us. Depression and loneliness are at an all-time high. It can’t be a coincidence that they’re spiking around the same time we’ve embraced anti-social behavior. (Note: some research suggests we really aren’t depressed, but simply becoming a nation of pet-loving curmudgeons.) 

Before this post goes even further off the rails, I’ll wrap things up with this.  Friends are important. You don’t need a lot of them, but you do need some, and you should make an effort to see them in person. Go have a cup of coffee.

*Contemplator = Overthinker